In the storyline...

28th July, 2009

It’s been a really really long time, almost one full year i have not been writing. Friends have been asking…

Why? too busy i guess, or too contented with monotonous life that hit no sparks of inspiration for writing, or i have just managed my emotion better that there isn’t the need of alphabetical expression?? I wonder…

Well, anyhow, i am back to writing.

A friend of mine turn into me for relationship consultation, pretty much interesting relationship & story, and the sharing gives me constant dimensional shift of my thinking on relationship, love and the communication of two mutual souls.

Its nothing too bizarre, its mostly common & usual stuff, friction that lovebirds would face, but they are one interesting couple, which makes all the difference, and changes my view on many things which i thought ‘It should be this way, couple should be like this etc…”, especially on the interaction of two souls that live under the same hut, one very much independent and the other the total opposite. Interesting to see how the frictions turn into flicks and flares, then fade off in resolving the conflicts, and lives continue!

Going to share my thoughts here more often… hopefully will start some today, later today.

2nd of July 2008 - A full one year of my working life in KL. Happy Anniversary.
There should be celebration, but for an incident that happened just a day before 2nd of July, it gloomed everything...

Its ironic how things happen. Is it a cause of nature? or a message from the Great & Mighty? The incident, which i am just going to call it "The Reflection", pushed me to see all the changes in me for a year, awfully shocking and bloodily evil. I was asking myself, since when I've becoming one of the young big city chap? Where has all my personalities and traits gone to? Has all the neon light and heavy tempo music shaped me into someone whom i do not know? And why i would lost sight of what i've beheld for so long? Just exactly a year that i moved down to KL, and a month before i turn 23...

All questions and doubt comes up to me, feeling so lost, frustrated and fedup. Its not a long way, its only a year, and look, what had happened to me? It's scary, i couldn't even accept it myself. Hence, reflection took place. Judging the before and after, realizing so many things have changed, lifesytle; character; attitude; mindset; behavior; etc...

Lifestyle...I was once a simple boy, contented with the food at the roadside, four walls with a bed that calls a room, homie guy, like Tosai, chapati, all the simple cheap food, enjoys reading, watching drama, and listening to songs. The one i see now, is someone who live quite a luxury life at the age of 22, shopping in the weekend, fine dining, out to party in the weekend, meeting people, gym to buff up body, etc....where is the homely ChungEe? the decent guys which enjoy home so much, who is this extrovert?

Character... I was once a quiet guy, inferior often strikes, shy and look at the ground when i walk. Now, I talked alot, talk rudely, bithcily, and blunt. The inferiority turns out to be the exact opposite which is the bubble-up confident, the fake confident that has being forced out, making people lose judgement of what they can or cannot do. I am not shy anymore, and from an introvert, i become an extrovert, it wasn't a bad thing but it is definitely something i dont like to see that is happening, of what I've becoming. Who is this too proud guy that looks around without shame, thinking he is on top of the world? Since when the pride has eaten himself up?

Attitude... A decent boy, that is what everyone thinks about me. Naive, innocent boy that everyone likes to be friended with. Always polite, always humble, and talk softly. I greet people, I don't speak too much, I don't try to be center of attraction and I don't self-praise. This guy who not only greet people, but chat people off at any places, grab any chance to speak his mind sometimes not because of having a point but just to chip in for the conversation share, to be remembered and intentionally do or say something to leave a mark, who is this? I don't even know him! I am chasing him out of my life, this is not the ChungEe that i know, even its evolving, this is not the changes i would want to see.

Mindset... From an everything is a NO to everything is a YES. From don't dare to do to let's give it a try. From self-restrictions to everything goes....there were so many things that i don't do, and that i can't accept, don't dare to try and often disagree with, for example : multiple dating, ons, flirting, slutting, cheating.....etc. Who is this guy that succumbed to all these? It's evil, it's not ChungEe, it is not, it shouldn't be.....The ChungEe i know, believe in true love, and sincere love, loyal....a little conservative, and once attached, he is committed! I need to find him back...search through the soul.

Behavior... decent attire, walking with hunch-back posture, smart crew-cut hair, natural grooming....yeah, this is the ChungEe that everyone knows, a piece of rough meat that need to be polished, not too metrosexual, not stylish, not luxurious and care free. That is him...

Things happen, its a self-reflection after a year that i come down to KL, this big city, from a small town, a small town boy. Look at how much can a person change in a year? A close friend used to tell me " You've changed ever since you came down to KL.“ I refuses to believe, blindfolded myself and continue to lead the joyous but empty big city lifestyle. Until shits happened, i hurt the one i love, i make everyone around me dissapointed and felt in awe. Then, i know I've changed, so much, too much that i can't even believe. Its time to find back my own self.

I should say I am lucky, its only a year and things happened to alert me that i've swayed too much away from who i am before drowning too deep, i have becoming naughty and playful. I am looking through my soul, reflecting of who i am, picking up pieces of the naive ChungEe and fill it back into my life, which is apparently an empty city life, puzzled it up...

Tale as old as time, true as it can be.
Barely even friends, then somebody bends, unexpectedly
Just a little change, small to say the least, both a little scared,
neither one prepared,
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
Ever just the same, Ever a surprise
Ever as before and ever just as sure as the sun will rise.

Ever just the same,
Ever a surprise
Ever as before,
and ever just as sure
as the sun will rise.

Tale as old as time, tune as old as song,
Bitter sweet & strange,
finding you can change, learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
(Certain as the sun),
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time,
Song as old as rhyme, Beauty & the Beast
Tale as old as time,
Song as old as rhyme,
Beauty and the beast.

I give you this song, narrating a beast that is changing whom has learnt right from wrong, that his love is still certain as the rising sun. Beast is hoping the beauty will see the change, and to love him, again.
-Beauty & The Beast-

After the tornado, just like every disaster that strikes, there will be moment of silent, peace. Everyone is in shock, not knowing what to do. That is what we called, the Griefing Moment.

Griefing Moment, the time when people mourns for the lost; makes up to the one they love; reflects of what have done; and forsees of what can be done better. This is life, there is no "Undo", cruel but true, we cannot erase reality. The Griefing Moment presents in time, for human to find a pillar of strenght to get them through difficult time.

Open up the "Notepad" application in the pc, right click on the mouse, there is an "Undo" feature which needs no more introduction of what its capable of. The computer world has "Undo", simply because the computer world isn't real, its virtual, but we are living on earth where our feet is on soil rather than the "1010" computer memory, where people doesn't fly nor decline 45 degrees to slip through bullet rain. Hence, we do not have the priviledge to Undo matters. Once it's done, its History. You will just have to move on. Some people has the chance to re-do it, better maybe, but still not Undoing; some will just have to live with it, bringing the impact along and hoping for it to fade with times.

Without the second chance, these people live in guilt, in indefinite regretness, and in pain. They wake up everymorning, feeling the worst of their life, and slowly towards the end of the days, they might have little smile eking out on their face, but it will soon all be gone when they go to bed, waking up another day feeling the worst again. It's the vicous cycle of sin that haunts them through times. It is just natural, the vicous cycle serves as a lesson to remind them everyday of what a crime they have committed. These people will just have to let go, and move on, leaving behind a black dot in their life, that when they look back years later, it will still give them a heartache.

It's about forgiveness, and forget. Some people will have the chance that the other group envious of, the Second Chance. They can re-do matters, repair the broken and rejoice. One thing to keep in mind, still, "What done is History, and It's a Reality", these people still leave behind black dot, but when they look back, the heartache might not strike or strike but not as hard, since they have the second chance, to rebuild the future, which the good memory will eventually heal the old scars. Or at least, they are given a chance for atonement.

Whichever group these people belongs to, lesson will still have to be learnt, and action shall not be repeated. I always like to quote " The 2nd Chance Is always The Last. " So appreciate, if you belongs to the second group which is given the second chance. Cherish what is gifted to you, that you dont have to go through the heartache; Appreciate what you nearly or already lost but is given a chance, to hold them back. Think about any wrong did that you ever done, do you always have the second chance? Which group do you belongs to? Myself...I am the lucky one, i am given a second chance, I am in the second group, and I learnt to appreciate.

Thank you, for your Second Chance. I will not fail.

It was a long wait, some said its too soon, too fast, but it was what promised. But yet, the truth is i didn't get it. Yea, look at it two side, i was told. I didn't get what i aim and working hard for in the past 6 months, but other thing come in.

My principe is simple.

"If you can't deliver, don't promise.

If you don't know, don't tell.

If I do things badly, coach me.

If I do things good, lauded me."

A company which value performance, this was what i was told. I guess it's just squeezin every penny that they spent on you, try to justify that you worth every single cent. Not so sure about valuing performance.

Anyway, it doesn't matter so much already, does it? I am just dissapointed that the efforts that i put in for the last 6 months, flowing under their eye lashes and going somewhere else.

Well, really dissapointed

Will be making my decision tomorrow, hopefully, waiting for good news, pray hard.